You thought I was going to post part 4 and wait another month, didn’t you?
HAH! I mock your stupidity as we begin part motherfucking 5. We sprung out of bed to eat a swift breakfast. The day before we had caught a flight from Athens to Rhodes and on the way, we were given chocolate filled croissants. During the flight we were not hungry, so we decided to save them for today’s quick breakfast. I had forgotten they were in the bag, and placed the clothes bag on top of it while changing.
After a night of compression, we opened the factory sealed packages and ate delicious flatssants.
Today was going to be special because we were going to take on the entire island of Rhodes. The Hertz representative arrived to our hotel foyer with the keys to our chariot, telling us there was a mix up at the HQ and someone else took our car, so they gave us the only thing they had left. It was with some trepidation that I peered outside and across the street to oh.....ohohoHOHOHOHOHOOOOO YEAH!!!!!
SHIT YEAH! Everything turned out better than expected. We hit the road in our battle bus and drove south along the coast.
We drove for a good while along the windy roads and through the small villages until we reached the first stop. The ruins of the ancient Greek city of Kamiros. Kamiros is a long since abandoned shell of a city with almost all of the basic infrastructure intact. All of the streets and house walls are still standing and the intricate, piped plumbing system is viable in many places. Its not hard to apply a little imagination and full in the roofs to get yourself a bustling Greek city, perched high on a hill with a giant shrine to Athena.
The ruins are unwatched and unprotected and there was maybe 5 other people there. So, we were free to poke around. It was really amazing to see the level of sophisticated civil planning that went on, from plumbing to toilets, through to baths and public squares. There is also thousands of hidden gems of history lying about. Writing still adournes many old tablets and monuments as well as random acts of ancient Greek graffiti.
Oh, and as a side note. There was no god damned shade and fuck, it was hot.
Well that was enough cooking in the morning sun. It was time dominate the single lane roads again in the battle bus. I’m told it was horrible to drive, but amusing to see the scooter drivers swerve off the road in a panic as we approached. I had a lot of fun moving about the giant car while we drove about. Making a point of sitting right at the back and shouting navigation across the in car hallway.
We drove on towards our lunchtime destination for a good while when.... Wait a fucking second! Is that a castle on a great big fuck off cliff? Thats not on any fucking map I have!
TO THE CASTLE!!!
As you can see, it was mostly the hollowed out remains of some kind of military fortress for the knights. Parts of the castle had long ago fallen of the huge ass cliff, into the waves below, leaving something of a awesome castle cut in half. There wasn’t so much as a single other person here, let alone any kind of security staff.... So, with my mischief allowed to run free, I unleashed my inner climber and scaled the walls....
As you can see in the last 2 pictures, a large family of overweight and poorly dressed Americans arrived at the sight just in time to gasp in terror at my acrobatics and tell me I should get down. I told them to eat my soon to be paraplegic dick.
Also, a quick google when we got back to the hotel revealed the fortress to be named “Kritinia Castle”.
Onward to our original destination!
As you can see, the scenery became awesome and mountainous. Much like a dry and marbley Norway....
Anyway, after an hour or 2 we arrived at the town of Monolithos. Perched up on a mountain, overlooking a huge valley and on the other side, out to sea. The village here exists because of the namesake of the town; “Monolithos Fortress”. One of the most impressive fortresses.... Nay, sights in general, that I have ever seen. The village grew up as an extension of the fortress itself, as is often the case and it remains today.
We pulled in to the only cafe in town to have lunch. I liked the marketing slogan.
A quick glance from their terrace caused me to say “huh..... There IS a nice view”.
Lunch was nice, but ruined by a motherfucking swarm of wasps. They circled around us by the dozens. Taunting us. Landing on our table, on our food, everything. Eventually we had to move inside, but even so a few managed to follow us. Motherfuckers.
After dinner we drove around the corner in order to take in the breathtaking sight of Monolithos fortress. Well fucking named....
Yep. Thats a motherfucking fortress built on the top of that giant motherfucking impossible rock spire. It is 300 meters above sea level and made of badass. The only way to the top is up a long and winding staircase cut into the rock face. Goddamit.
We reached the top and I had a wondrous joygazm. I love heights ever so much, and this crumbly fortress on the top of a giant rock was just what the doctor ordered. I wandered around, climbing on the walls and looking out over the massive drop below as well as climbed into the ruins where you were not meant to go, to get extra pictures. Amusingly, the whole place is in ruins, except for the old monastery. It is kept in pristine condition, with golden frescos and burning candles inside. Nobody was up there while we were there, but people clearly come at least once or twice a day to maintain the chapel.
God I had fun up there. Once again, just as we were leaving some other tourists passed us on the staircase. By some incredible stroke of dumb luck, we had managed to have 3 amazing tourist attractions all to ourselves, all fucking day. What are the odds?
Anyway, we drive on! The woman’s family was on the other side of the island and we had to met up with them.
We arrive now at our intended destination, the city of Lindos. The most stereotypical Greek town you could ever imagine. Hundreds of white brick and marble houses carved into a mountainside, leading directly down to the sea side, all of this offset by a gigantic rock with a huge fuck off citadel on the top. Jaw dropping to see.
We met up with the family and intended to take a walk up to the top of the castle. But I was already tired from all the castle climbing id already done that day and as if Zeus himself was watching out for me, I rounded the corner and saw my way to the top.
CARRY ME FORTH UNTO THE CITADEL, MIGHTY STEED!!
For the fuck all price of 5 euros, I had me and my woman carried up to the fortress by loveable asses and their handsome handlers. Funtimes.
Now, onto the business of this castle. Its been build on and built over again and again for thousands of years by different regimes, each of them keeping a bit of the old and adding some of the new, leading to a very interesting design. We wandered around for ages. The place was large and labyrinthine, with lots to discover. I wont bore you with the details – See for yourselves.
Oh.... DAT VIEW!
Shit. That was a lot of pictures huh?
After poking around there forever, we made our way down the other side of the castle, through the covered streets and bizzares of Lindos, where we stopped in a pancakery and are delicious pancakes. After that, the girlfriend insisted on stripping off her clothes and going for a swim on the deserted beach. I hate swimming, so I relaxed in the beachside bar and stared at my half naked girlfriend as she frolicked in the surf like the pervert I am, while enjoying a cool drink in the breeze, serenaded by the sounds of distant donkey braying.
As the sun started to set, we jumped back in the car and drove back to Rhodes Town.
We went out for dinner again, to an amusing place where we turned up and the man presented us with a menu. He left us with the menu for a while and came back, I asked for something on the menu and he replied “no, we don’t have that”. The woman asked for something “no, we don’t have that”. I asked for something else, and again denied. I became amused at the situation, and asked what DOES he have then. He tells me we can have their pork dish. Everything else is no. I asked him if he at least had Tzatziki and he took instant offence. “Of course we do! Did you come here to eat or insult me?”.
We chucked and were served the meal he proscribed us, which was actually excellent.
And then the sleep happened.